


what would i have if you didn't have me

by manusinistra



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Friends to Lovers, kind of angsty this time, yes i know another college au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-11-24 01:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18159623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manusinistra/pseuds/manusinistra
Summary: Yves would like to say that she’s never thought about Chuu like that.The thing is. She would be lying.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this and the yveseul college au at the same time, so there are some similarities. (I spent a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms last month and needed to imagine an elsewhere. Which meant loona college aus, for some reason.) But anyways, there's a second part, and this first one ends in a kind of mean place. Sorry?

Yves sprawls on the couch in the BBC common room, messing with her phone and making the most out of precious alone time. She loves the girls, but she also loves not having to fight eleven people for legroom. 

“So,” a voice says. “You and Chuu.”

Yves glances up to see Haseul, who just appeared from the kitchen.

Haseul is the designated intervention friend, and the way she’s lingering now means Yves is about to receive one. She doesn’t deserve it - she’s been good lately. Her GPA is the highest in the house, and she’s only gotten into minor drunken shenanigans this semester (no police, no hospitals, no property destruction). 

And yet there Haseul is, hovering at her with clear intent. 

“Me and Chuu what?”

Yves looks back at her phone, still hoping to escape.

“Yves, come on. What’s up with you two?” 

Now Haseul gets out her Serious Voice – the one that doesn’t appear unless there’s a problem. It works best on the younger girls, but it still sends unease twinging through Yves. She sets her phone down. (Which is saying a lot, since she’s in the middle of an argument with Jinsoul about those awful lemon shorts, and now Jinsoul might think she’s won and celebrate by buying something even more tragic.) 

“We’re good,” Yves says, because she and Chuu are, but Haseul’s demeanor is getting to her so it comes out less than convincing. “Aren’t we? Did she say something?”

Haseul sighs, her mouth tightening into a frown. Now she’s got Serious Face along with Serious Voice, and that makes Yves pay full attention. She hasn’t seen this combination since the night Gowon murdered their kitchen. 

“No, but literally everyone else in the house did.”

“What?”

They stare at each other for a minute. Yves, confused. Haseul, exasperated. Finally, Haseul breaks.

“Did something…romantic. Happen between you guys.”

“Um.” Yves blinks. “No?”

“Why does that sound like a question?”

“Because I have no idea what’s happening! What is this conversation? Chuu and I are friends, like all of us are friends. You know I don’t go after BBC girls.”

“I know. But.”

Haseul sits down besides Yves, watching her closely. Like there’s some scandalous secret to be read in Yves’ reactions. 

Then Haseul pulls out her phone, scrolling through to a set of pictures. They’re from a movie night the week before, and Yves sees herself and Chuu, tangled together on this very couch. They’re absorbed in each other, laughing and whispering, and Yves smiles instinctively – the pictures are cute. Especially the way Chuu is leaning into her, claiming Yves’ leg and side as her own personal territory.

Haseul pokes Yves in the shoulder. 

“See, you’re smiling. This is what people are talking about.” 

“Ah yes. How dare I smile.”

“Mostly you smirk. The smile is weird.”

“Hey!” 

Haseul raises a hand in surrender. 

“For real, though. Everyone has been noticing how close you guys are, and they’re wondering. You’re not usually like that with people.”

“And this is your business because?”

“No one wants Chuu to get hurt.”

So many implications in one sentence. The biggest: Yves hurts people. Should something happen, Yves will hurt Chuu. 

“Hey, wait,” Haseul says, seeing Yves’ face fall. “We all care about you too. But you can take care of yourself. Chuu is just-”

“Soft and protectable,” Yves finishes. “I get it. Look, nothing has happened, and I have no intention of making it happen. You don’t have to swoop in and save her from me.”

“Good.” Haseul pauses. “And you’re ok?”

“I’m always ok. Now give me my couch back.” 

Haseul gets up with a laugh and heads deeper into the house, looking lighter now that she’s done her interpersonal wrangling for the day. 

Yves sinks back down onto the sofa, still unsure what just happened but determined to put it out of her mind. Her phone lights up – Jinsoul has found an avocado hat. Yves sends the obligatory capslock protest but she can’t focus, thoughts circling back to Chuu and why everyone thinks there’s something there to uncover.

;; 

Yves would like to say that she’s never thought about Chuu _like that_ , that Haseul is projecting and there’s nothing else to it. 

The thing is. She would be lying. 

When Yves first met Chuu, at an orientation week party, she asked for Chuu’s number with definite interest. Not for anything as serious as dating, but at least to see if she could talk the cute freshman into kissing her, maybe coming back to her room. 

Chuu refused, though. Yves was miffed in the moment, but the memory makes her laugh now, how Chuu’s eyes had gone big and she’d skedaddled away with a bright “No thank you!” thrown back over her shoulder. 

So, sure. The thought has occurred to Yves. 

But, she can say this: she hasn’t considered being with Chuu like that in years. As soon as Chuu rushed BBC, Yves let go of all designs on her. Even more so when she got Chuu as her assigned little. (Vivi was in charge of the pairings that year, and there’s a devious streak to her sense of humor.) 

At this point, Chuu is firmly filed under “friends” in Yves’ mind, so though they’re close and they cuddle and she kind of always wants to be holding Chuu’s hand, she hasn’t pushed for anything else. 

They’re good like this. This is stable and safe, and Yves loves the parts of Chuu she gets to have. 

_But what if you could have all of her_ , whispers a new, traitorous voice inside her head. 

She feels a headache coming on. Fuck Haseul, really.

;;

Yves goes to Chuu’s room and faceplants in her bed. Chuu is on the floor, doing something with glitter and stickers.

“Haseul is making me think things,” Yves complains.

“Oh no! Thinking is dangerous.”

“I know.”

“Chuu can help you not think.”

Yves lifts her head from the blankets, raising an eyebrow.

“Is that an offer?”

Yves isn’t really implying things, but she’s also not trying too hard to avoid implications. Now that Haseul has planted the idea, she’s getting curious how Chuu might respond if she leaves the door open. 

“Of course! You’re my friend.”

Chuu, naturally, friendzones her hard. 

Most of the girls think Chuu is oblivious, that she doesn’t notice implications unless you whack her in the face with them. They’re wrong – Chuu notices a lot. She’s just selective about what she reacts to. She’s choosing not to react to Yves now, which is probably for the best but still stings a little.

But then Chuu climbs up on the bed and burrows into Yves’ side, so all is forgiven.

“Let me give you a head rub,” Chuu says, reaching over to massage Yves’ temple. “I’ll make those thoughts go away.”

Chuu’s hands are small but strong, and Yves lets out a contented sound as they work the tension out of her.

“You’re the best,” she says drowsily.

Chuu beams.

“I know.”

;;

After Haseul comes Jinsoul.

Yves knows something is up when she enters their room and Jinsoul is sitting at her desk working. Jinsoul uses that desk for food and laundry storage only, and though she’s smarter than she gets credit for she almost never looks the part of a good student.

“Yves! Roommate! How are you on this fine day?”

“What is happening and how do I make it stop.”

“Don’t be like that. I just wanted to say hi, have a little talk. We haven’t caught up in a while.”

“You spent thirty minutes yesterday telling me why coral reefs are awesome.”

“Exactly,” Jinsoul says. “I did all the talking. What’s up with you?”

Yves’ suspicion grows. Jinsoul just passed up a prime opportunity to go off on a biology tangent, and that only happens when she has an agenda. 

“I’m fine. What’s with the sudden interest?”

“Ok, look, I’m bad at this –”

“That’s clear.”

“Rude. But anyway, the group chat has been talking a lot about you and Chuu this week. I wanted to see what’s up.”

“What’re you talking about? The BBC group chat is dead.”

Jinsoul makes a face.

“Oh, not that one. The other group chat that some of us made so we could bet on when you and Chuu would get together.”

“What.”

“My money was on a drunken hookup last month, so I really have no stake anymore. Choerry and Hyunjin are coming up though.”

“Jinsoul. Stop talking.”

Finally, Jinsoul notices the look on Yves’ face. 

“Oh shit. Um, I gotta go. Get food. I’ll bring you some!”

“You’re going to need so many cheeseburgers if you want to get back into this room!” Yves yells down the hall after her.

;;

Chuu and Yves have a standing lunch date on Tuesdays. Their schedules line up, so they always meet at the dumpling place by the edge of campus. 

Yves is late this time – her anthropology professor just kept talking, and it wasn’t until 10 minutes after the end of class that someone got bold enough to interrupt him – so she’s rushing, moving as fast as she can without committing to running. 

When the restaurant comes into view, Chuu is already there at a table by the window, writing in her journal. Yves watches her puff out her cheeks, probably thinking about which animal to doodle in the margin.

God, she’s adorable. 

She’s also really pretty. Chuu smiles to herself, and the sun glints off her hair, and suddenly Yves cannot stop looking. She’s always been a little mesmerized by Chuu’s face: she loves seeing what it will do next, the endless malleability of Chuu’s features. Something about this feels different, though.

Has Chuu always been this pretty? Has Yves always noticed it this much? 

Then Chuu looks up and waves so enthusiastically that she knocks herself off her stool. The trance is broken, and Yves smiles and walks in, and they have a lovely, normal lunch together.

;;

That weekend Yves goes apple picking with Chuu, Gowon and Olivia. 

They’re a family, by sorority rules: Yves is Chuu’s big and Chuu is Gowon’s, and Chuu claimed Olivia too when her original person transferred to another school. Their president shrugged and said it was fine because “Chuu has enough love to go around.” 

When the four of them hang out it’s a loud, enjoyable mess, and Yves relaxes more than she can with the larger group. Today, for instance, they spend more time doing impressions of each other and getting into shoving matches because of it than they do picking the apples. 

Eventually Gowon and Olivia wander off into the trees, proclaiming that someone needs to fill the apple bucket to take back to BBC.

Chuu stays with Yves, huddling into her side.

“I’m cold,” Chuu says. 

Yves pretends to ignore her.

“I’m cold!” 

This time it’s louder and aegyo-filled, and Yves has to work to suppress her smile.

“Is that my problem?”

“You’re so mean to me.”

“And you’re so loud.”

Chuu pouts emphatically and Yves gives in. She unzips her jacket, and Chuu dives into her with enough force to send them back a step. 

“Way to bruise your heat source,” Yves says.

Her voice is soft despite her words, and she tightens her arms around Chuu, pulling her jacket over the both of them. Chuu nuzzles into her neck, making a sound of satisfaction. 

Yves’ eyes close and she loses track of the world, basking in how well they fit together. She loves moments like this. She could spend a lifetime in them. 

“Chuu,” Gowon shouts. “Come take a picture with me!”

“Ok!”

Chuu is gone in a moment, because she can never resist the lure of a good photo for Instagram. She blows a kiss at Yves as she runs away, giggling as Yves mimes catching it and tucking it into her pocket.

Olivia comes over to keep Yves company for what becomes – to no one’s surprise – a very long and involved selfie session. 

“Is apple picking everything you dreamed it would be?” Yves says.

“Yeah, this was fun. Thanks for driving us.”

“It’s no problem. I like doing things for you guys, though don’t tell them that.”

They both look over to where Gowon is posing, Chuu down on the ground for some reason to get a picture of her. 

“How are you?” Olivia says.

The question surprises Yves. Olivia is almost always making fun of her: for the way her accent comes out when she’s excited, for how her shoulder cracks when she forgets to stretch, for that one time a bartender thought she was Olivia’s younger sister and refused to serve her. 

She sounds sincere now, though, so Yves tries to find a real answer.

“I’m not sure.” Yves bites her lip. “Have Chuu and I been, I don’t know. Different lately?”

“Not different. More, maybe.”

“What does that mean?”

“Like you and Chuu take up more space. You’ve been thinking about it a lot, right?” 

“Yeah,” Yves admits. “It’s hard not to since we became everyone’s favorite gossip.”

Olivia nods, threading her arm through Yves’.

“It could just be that. But be careful.”

“Aw, are you worried about me?”

“You're less fun to mess with when you get mopey.”

;;

Heejin and Haseul are in one of the campus acapella groups, and the whole house goes to their winter showcase. Chuu takes it upon herself to be the group cheerleader, whistling and cat-calling so loud that a woman in the next row tries to shush her three different times. 

Chuu is irrepressible, and she gets louder with each shushing. Yves flinches, covering the ear closest to Chuu, who just takes Yves’ hand and uses it to clap each time they finish a song. 

After the performance Yves finds Haseul first, makes sure to tell her how great she was enough times that it sinks in. For someone so talented, Haseul has trouble with that – believing people when they say she’s good at things. 

Yves looks for Heejin next and finds Chuu with her. They’re hugging, and it starts out like a normal hug, but as she stands there they just sort of forget to let go of each other. Heejin accepts Yves’ compliments while squishing her cheek against Chuu’s, and the whole thing should be cute but Yves bristles at the sight of them. 

Chuu looks like Heejin’s girlfriend, hanging off her arm proudly while she accepts praise and flowers. 

Jealousy rises in Yves, sharp and unpleasant, the intensity of it surprising her. Chuu is all over everyone all of the time, and it has bothered Yves in the past but never this much. Which makes her realize: she wants more from Chuu now than she has before, or wants similar things but with more force. 

Either way, this is getting worse. The want is becoming hard to ignore. 

She looks away from where Chuu is looping Heejin’s scarf around the both of them. To stay sane, she’s going to have to do something. 

;;

Yves and Chuu are shopping for winter formal when Yves makes her move. 

“Are you going with anyone?” Yves asks, fingers trailing through a flowy red dress.

“Aren’t you taking me?”

“If you want. We haven’t talked about it in a while, so I wanted to check.”

“Of course! It’s our thing. Friend dance dates.”

It is their thing. They went to formal together Chuu’s first year because while BBC is good, the wider circle of Greek life on campus is impressively, depressingly heterosexual. Chuu mentioned how nervous she was about being out and alone, so Yves offered to take her. Be queer girl backup, and all that. Chuu doesn’t need backup anymore – she’s got quite a fanclub, and more than one anonymous post has proclaimed its love for “the cutest lesbian on campus” – but the tradition has stuck anyway. 

Except now, after everything that’s been happening, Yves chafes at the “friend” part of the equation. 

“About that.” Yves takes a deep breath, heart beating too fast. “I was wondering if you wanted to go with me for real. As a date, instead of as friends.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. But I think we’re better like this.”

“Oh.” Yves tries to smile, but her face won’t cooperate. “Ok.”

Chuu is looking at the dresses, anyway.

“Come on,” she says, grabbing Yves’ hand. Like that question never happened, like her refusal is nothing important. “I want to try these on.”

The contact burns, and once Yves is alone inside a dressing room she pinches the bridge of her nose to keep from crying. She imagines having to watch Chuu go through her stack of dresses – because it is always a stack – and she just can’t. 

“Chuu,” Yves says, grateful for the barrier between them. “I think I need to go home.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I feel sick.”

It’s not a lie – her whole body feels wrong, like someone rearranged her organs and the connections don’t match up. She’s not sure anything has ever felt this bad.

“Do you want me to come? I can take care of you.”

“No,” Yves says, fast and harsh. Imagining the hurt look on Chuu’s face, she tries to soften it. “No, you should stay. Find the perfect dress.”

She texts Gowon to come keep Chuu company, and on the way home she pulls over into an empty parking lot to cry into her hands.

;;

They still go to the dance together. Yves knows it’s a bad idea, but she also knows that there’s no way to escape. What’s she going to do – tell Chuu "you broke my heart but didn’t notice"?

BBC takes pictures together, as a whole house and then in pairs. When it’s her turn with Chuu, Yves focuses on the smallest details, trying to break Chuu down into manageable pieces.

Her makeup looks good tonight, and Yves admires the sharp swipe of her eyeliner. Her hair is half pulled back in a complicated twirl, and Yves counts the pieces that are already trying to escape. 

Formal is at an Italian restaurant, tables cleared away to make a giant dance floor, and as soon as they arrive Chuu gets swept off into the crowd. Yves doesn’t try to follow.

She gets a drink, dances with Olivia and then by herself, everyone making a circle around her to cheer when a Sunmi song comes on. A girl from SM tries to flirt with her, intentions clear from across the room. She’s pretty, and after three drinks and two hours of dancing Yves is feeling more like herself, so she touches the girl’s shoulder, leans in to say ‘wait for me’ before she goes to find the bathroom. 

Yves is searching for it in a dark hallway when Chuu comes out of nowhere. 

“I had an idea,” she says. She’s close to Yves, closer than is comfortable, really, given all Yves’ realizations. Still, Chuu’s eyes are bright and Yves can’t bring herself to back away. 

“What’s that?”

“What if.” Chuu gets closer still. “What if we did this?”

Her breath puffs against Yves’ face. They’ve been this close before, but not at this angle, not with this kind of intention. Yves is so distracted by the fact of Chuu’s closeness that she barely notices Chuu moving forward until she’s being kissed. 

For the first second, it’s the best thing she’s ever felt. Yves has been trying so hard not to want this that she’s helpless before it, Chuu’s lips soft and curious against hers. Chuu’s hand finds Yves’ and curls around it. She tugs Yves against her, so that Yves can feel the heat of Chuu's body through both of their dresses. 

Then Yves remembers. Chuu told her no.

She shoves Chuu backward.

“What,” Yves says, trying to steady her breathing. “Why did you do that?”

“I thought this was what you wanted.”

“So, what. You’re kissing me as a favor?”

Chuu’s face falls.

“No, of course not. I love you, and kissing pretty girls is fun.”

There it is, Yves thinks. This could be fun for Chuu. Yves could be a pretty face for her to kiss.

Yves has been telling herself that she’s through the worst part, that nothing could hurt more than Chuu shutting her down in the dress store. She was wrong, it turns out. This is worse. 

Chuu frowns at her, uncomprehending, and Yves realizes she’s going to have to say something.

“I can’t just do that. Not with you. I like you too much for that.”

Yves means love, not like, and Chuu knows her well enough to hear it. The expression she gets then is one Yves has never seen before. She thought she knew all Chuu’s faces, but she can’t read this. 

“Oh,” Chuu says, voice small and strange. “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, well. Now you do.” 

There’s no reply, and the silence is suffocating. Yves is breathing, her chest moves up and down, but it feels like all the oxygen is gone from the air. 

“I don’t know what to say.”

Chuu reaches out a hand, and Yves flinches away from it. 

"Don't.” Yves takes another step back. “Don't touch me for a while.”

"Ok. Is there anything else you need from me?" 

"Don’t tell the others. I don’t want their pity.”

“Yves.”

Yves forces herself to look up, to meet Chuu’s eye.

“Really, I’ll be fine. Just give me time.”


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all really liked reading Yves suffer, huh? There's some more of that here, but also some other things. This got long so there will be a final part, probably next week.

Yves leaves the dance and gets spectacularly drunk alone in her room. 

When she wakes up the next morning she’s cradling a whiskey bottle, with a headache so bad she can almost see sounds. Hangovers usually keep her from thinking but this time no such luck: Chuu’s “oh” repeats in her head in time with the throbbing, a death knell for the hope of requited love. 

Yves hadn’t meant to be hoping for things. Apparently she was, given how much this hurts.

She spends the day in bed, nursing her hangover and wallowing in self-pity. There’s symmetry, at least, in her body suffering when she’s just ruined one of her closest friendships.

By sundown she’s feeling slightly more human, so she gets up and starts trying to get over it. As much as she’d like to hide under her covers forever, the world doesn’t stop when someone doesn’t love you back. People keep expecting you to do things: eat, sleep, go to class. Speak to others when spoken to.

Yves needs to figure out what comes next, how to go on being a person despite what happened last night. So, she starts making changes. 

First up: she goes cold turkey. No Chuu, in person or in anything else. She blocks Chuu’s number, and uses a productivity app to block all her own social media accounts so that she can’t stalk Chuu through them. 

There’s still the problem of living in a house with Chuu, so Yves takes to spending her time at the library. She leaves BBC at eight every morning and doesn’t come back until she’s ready to sleep, setting up camp in a quiet corner of the library’s top floor. With social media gone there’s not much to do beyond school work, which means Yves throws herself into her assignments with a zeal that surprises everyone, professors included.

She gets one paper back with a note that says: “This is great, but it’s also double the required length. Did you discover a new passion for world history? Is everything ok?”

After a few weeks, the pale, bespectacled library dwellers start to accept Yves as one of their own. They wave instead of looking at her with suspicion, and when one of them shows her a secret stash of a black-market energy drink (“it’s too intense for FDA approval”) she decides maybe it’s time to go back to BBC. 

The ache is still there whenever she thinks of Chuu, but now it’s lower in intensity. Like a regular storm where there was a hurricane – something she has a shot at surviving. 

;;

Yves has been in her room for less than an hour when Lip bursts in. 

“What the hell did you do?” 

“Hello to you too.” 

“I’m serious. What did you do to Chuu, and why haven’t you fixed it yet?”

“I tried.”

Yves’ voice sounds weak to her own ears. She thought she was ready for this, but being in BBC is one thing and facing an interrogation is another. 

“Obviously not hard enough,” Lip says, and tears prick at Yves’ eyes. She hangs her head to hide them. “What have you even been doing? Because she’s out there hurting, and you’re just ignoring her. What kind of friend are you?”

Lip is pacing now, working herself into righteous indignation. Like everyone does for Chuu. The perfect, pretty, happy girl who could never hurt anyone. 

“Chuu turned me down.” 

“What?”

Yves raises her head, and she can see Lip take in how wrecked she is. Lip’s eyebrows furrow and she looks confused, like Yves’ sadness is a puzzle piece she can’t make fit. Then Lip seems to realize she should do something even if she doesn’t understand, and she rushes over to where Yves is curled on the bed.

Lip stops awkwardly once she’s in arm’s reach. Her hand stretches toward Yves but then drops down, like she doesn’t quite know what to do next.

That’s fair, Yves thinks. She and Lip are a good pair for dancing or pranks. Not so much talking about feelings. 

She really only does that with Chuu. 

A sob bursts out of Yves, sudden and loud, and that jolts Lip into action. She climbs onto the bed to hug Yves and it’s still awkward, but Lip is warm and solid and Yves leans into it. 

“It’ll be ok,” Lip says. 

Yves snorts.

“You came in here ready to punch me.”

“Maybe I was a little hasty. I don’t always think rationally when it comes to Chuu.”

“Yeah, well. Join the club.”

Lip pulls back, her eyes seeking out Yves’. 

“What happened? And don’t say you don’t want to talk about it, because clearly you need to.”

“No offense, but I’m pretty sure there are teams in this and you’re not on mine.”

Lip shrugs.

“You’re still my friend. And I’ve known Chuu long enough to realize that she’s not always right.”

Something in Yves comes back to life with those words. She didn’t know how much she needed to hear them, that a thing gone wrong with Chuu isn’t automatically her fault. 

“Ok,” Yves says, and proceeds to tell Lip the whole story. How she and Chuu were really just friends. How she had been happy with that, but everyone kept poking at them and the thought grew in her mind until it got too big to ignore. How she asked and got rejected, and then Chuu kissed her anyway the night of the formal. 

Lip listens, looking thoughtful. 

“I know it doesn’t sound like Chuu, but—”

“No,” Lip interrupts. “It kind of does. Did you know she was the biggest heartbreaker in high school?”

“Really?”

“Really. She’s never been great at knowing what she wants. It causes problems sometimes.”

“Huh.” 

“Listen, I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you want to talk, or to.” Lip tilts her head meaningfully at the bed. “Chuu always said you love that.”

“Are you asking if I want to cuddle?”

Lip goes bright red.

“You don’t have to say the _word_.”

“Aw. You’re cute.”

“You know what, I’m leaving.”

“Nope, too late.”

Yves tackles Lip into the covers, and when they land Yves tucks herself into the crook of Lip’s shoulder. It feels nice, especially when Lip’s hand comes around to rest on her arm. Yves realizes how much she’s missed physical contact since things went bad with Chuu. 

Yves must fall asleep, since she wakes up to Jinsoul banging open their door. 

“What have we here?” Jinsoul says, eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. 

Lip is also passed out, and in the time it takes her to regain consciousness Jinsoul captures a dozen pictures of them on her phone.

Then Lip starts yelling. 

“Stop that!”

“Never!” Jinsoul shouts gleefully. “Now I have proof that you’re actually a big softie. The house is going to love these.”

Yves is smiling at their interaction – she missed the girls during her self-imposed exile – but the mention of BBC brings her back to seriousness.

“Maybe don’t send those out right now,” she says, because she and Lip in a bed would kick off a whole new round of gossip. 

“Um. Too late?”

Yves sighs.

“My reputation is ruined,” Lip grumbles.

“Just for that,” Yves says. “I’m going to make you stay here and keep cuddling me.”

“Can I join?” 

Jinsoul gives her best puppy eyes, brows raised pleadingly.

Yves shrugs, and Lip huffs in the way that means she’s about to give in.

“You don’t deserve it, but I guess. If it’ll get you to stop doing that.”

“Sweet!”

Which is how the three of them end up spending the night in a single bed. There are a lot of limbs and not that much sleep, but somehow Yves feels better, anyway. 

;;

Lip gets up at the crack of dawn. 

“Why are you like this,” Jinsoul mumbles. She falls back asleep immediately, spreading out in a way that pushes Yves off the bed.

There’s no dislodging a sleepy Jinsoul, so Yves resigns herself to being awake. She walks Lip out of the room, deciding she might as well go shower. 

In the hallway they get into a mini wrestling match: Yves bumps into Lip, and Lip plants her feet to block Yves’ path, and things escalate from there until Lip accidentally elbows Yves in the face. Yves yelps, louder than is reasonable this early in the morning. 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Lip says, grabbing Yves’ chin to inspect her for damage.

At this exact moment, a door opens and Chuu’s head pokes out. She’s rubbing her eyes, but they go wide as she takes in Yves and Lip tangled together.

Yves hasn’t seen Chuu since the dance, and her appearance sends a shock through Yves’ entire system. She’s not sure how to describe what she’s feeling, beyond the fact that there’s too much of it: the emotions take up so much bandwidth that she can’t find any words though she desperately wants to say something. 

“I thought someone might be hurt,” Chuu says. “I see that you’re fine, so I’ll let you two get back to that.” 

She smiles at them but it’s small and unsure, a shadow of her usual megawatt grin. Then she disappears back into her room.

“That went well,” Lip says.

Yves shoves her one more time, for good measure.

;;

The next encounter goes better.

Yves stumbles upon Chuu in the kitchen. She notices Chuu before Chuu notices her, so she has a minute to hang back and prepare herself, acclimate to the idea of a conversation.

Chuu is trying to get a glass from the shelf that’s too high for her, and her tiny frustrated noises make Yves smile for real. Chuu continues to be cute, and if that thought brings a wave of wistfulness with it – Yves will just have to get used to it.

“Want some help?” Yves says, not waiting for a response to grab the glass and set it on the counter.

Yves can barely reach it – she’s not that tall herself – but she can and Chuu can’t and that’s what matters.

Chuu grins, looking surprised.

“Thanks,” she says. Then, after a moment: “It’s nice to see you around again.”

“It’s nice to be around.”

After that, Yves stops avoiding Chuu. She waves and says hi when their paths cross on campus; she sits down at the kitchen table when Chuu is already there eating breakfast. She even lets Chuu cut in front of her in line at the coffee shop and survives five minutes of sustained, one-on-one conversation. 

It’s better but it’s also worse, because seeing Chuu regularly makes Yves think about what they used to have, how much time they spent together so easily. Every word and every gesture involves so much thought now, and it’s exhausting, how careful Yves has to be. 

;;

On an otherwise normal Thursday, Yves comes back from class to a full-scale pillow war. 

She walks through the front door to see Heejin and Olivia going at each other with pillows, feathers flying in the air around them. They’re both wearing elaborate, color-coded outfits, and from what Yves can see the first floor has been transformed into a maze of hiding places.

Yves grabs Yeojin by the scruff of the neck as she runs by.

“Does Haseul know about this?”

“We made a presentation about how a pillow fight is less destructive to property than water balloons and to each other than a wrestling tournament. And less psychologically scarring than the time we played assassin. She said go for it.”

“Right,” Yves says, impressed despite herself. “Carry on then.”

Yeojin lets out a battle cry and charges toward Heejin and Olivia.

Yves doesn’t stick around to see who she attacks, heading directly for the stairs. She doesn’t make it: Choerry jumps out from behind a chair, brandishing a pillow at her with thoroughly ineffective menace.

“Do you pledge allegiance to the Odd Eye Circle clan? I can’t let you go free if you don’t.”

“What are you going to do? That’s a pillow, it’s harmless.”

“Only if you don’t know how to use it.”

Choerry wiggles the pillow. Yves squints at her. Decides she’s far enough ahead on work to humor this.

“Ok, sure. I pledge whatever.”

Choerry screeches happily, throwing her arms around Yves. 

“Ok, go get a pillow and meet me at home base.”

“Where?”

“The laundry room. Come on, Yves. This is a dangerous world - you need to learn fast.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Yves gets her pillow, and learns soon enough that the only real rule is whack people into submission. She can do that, and she does, mowing through Vivi and Gowon and then hiding from Hyunjin because that is a fight where Yves would not come out on top.

She’s on a recon mission to the third floor when she runs into Chuu.

Chuu winds up to hit Yves but then stops herself, doubt flashing through her eyes. It makes Yves sad – this must be hard for Chuu, too. All the second guessing, feeling out the boundaries of this stilted, unfamiliar dynamic.

So Yves decides not to worry for once. She hits Chuu as hard as she can, knocking the pillow from her hands. Yves grabs it, advancing on her prey.

“Do you surrender?” Yves says.

“Never.”

Chuu tucks her head into her arms as Yves attacks, shrieking at the impact from two pillows at once. She recovers quickly, though, and the next time Yves strikes she clamps her hands around one of the pillows and doesn’t let go. It slides out of Yves’ grip, and after Chuu reclaims her weapon they both just let loose. 

Five minutes later they’re laying on the floor, laughing so hard they’re gasping for air. Yves feels relaxed – it’s the first time in a while that she can look at Chuu without an undercurrent of pain, and though she knows it’ll come back she can imagine a time when maybe it won’t anymore. 

That night in her room, Yves unblocks Chuu’s number. 

_Coffee tomorrow?_ she types. 

Erases, retypes. Finally, hits send.

;;

They ease back into being alone with each other. It’s most manageable for Yves in small increments, when she has a built-in escape route. 

Like right now: Chuu is about to go turn in her photography portfolio, and Yves is keeping her company for the ten minutes before she leaves for class. 

The portfolio is great but Chuu is still nervous. When Chuu gets nervous, she erupts into motion.

She’s bouncing and twirling and twitching, driving Yves insane with her energy. Ten minutes is a long time to watch someone impersonate a perpetual motion machine, and eventually Yves runs out of patience. 

“Come here,” Yves says.

She wraps her arms around Chuu because that will contain the bouncing, if not entirely stopping it. She’s been trying to be careful about this kind of contact. But, she’s five seconds from throwing something sharp at Chuu and heartbreak takes a back seat to not mortally injuring your friends because of how annoying they are.

Chuu does calm down, more than usual. She goes completely still, and Yves has a moment to wonder what she’s thinking, if this is weird for her now that she knows Yves has feelings. Yves never wants Chuu to be uncomfortable, and she’s trying to decide if pulling away would make things better or worse when Chuu kisses her neck.

It’s over in a second, blink and you missed it, but Yves is sure that it happened. All thoughts leave her brain. 

“Someone could read into that,” she says after a long moment.

“Yeah,” Chuu agrees. “Maybe someone should.”

To punctuate that point Chuu does it again, her lips pressing quick but firm in the spot where Yves’ neck slopes into her shoulder. 

Yves’ arms go loose around Chuu, out of shock. Chuu pulls them around her tighter.

“Um,” Yves says. 

She tries to formulate a question, wants to ask if kissing is a new coping mechanism Chuu has suddenly developed. Deep down she knows that it’s not – Chuu wouldn’t do that to her, not after her confession. Which means there’s something else going on, but. She can’t ask about that, not when there’s so much to say and Chuu has to leave soon. 

They just stand there hugging. When it’s time for Chuu’s class, she kisses Yves again, this time on the cheek.

“Let’s talk tonight!” Chuu calls back as she bounds away.

;;

Yves, of course, can’t stop thinking about it.

Chuu wants to talk. Chuu kissed her. Not on the lips, but three separate times. 

Yves is used to thinking about Chuu, but this time there’s a different feel to it – less dread than nervous excitement. There’s possibility, but there’s also terror because it would hurt so much if she opened herself to something only to have it fail again.

To distract herself, Yves makes dinner for everyone. Gowon helps, which means she stays far enough away from all sources of flame that she can’t set anything on fire.

She’s good company, despite her complete culinary incompetence, and as Yves works she tries to figure out how to bring things up without revealing too much.

“Have you ever thought about, like. Dating someone you’d been friends with first?”

“You mean me? I’m flattered, Yves, but-”

Yves whacks her with a kitchen towel. 

“Ew, no, you’re my child.”

Gowon pouts.

“Then who?”

“Can’t this just be a hypothetical? You like talking about love, and all that.”

“Yeah, but you don’t. I can’t even get you to watch one episode of a drama because ‘they’re all so stupid.’ Which means there’s something going on.”

Yves busies herself adding spices to the kimchi stew. It doesn’t need them, really, but they’re not going to hurt anything and this way she doesn’t have to acknowledge that Gowon is right.

“Is this about Chuu?” Gowon says.

“No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

Gowon is smirking. Yves hates her.

“Well, if it was. You should go for it.”

;;

After dinner Chuu and Yves go for a walk. 

Chuu is the one to suggest it, and Yves is grateful – she’s not sure she could sit still at this point, and it’s always good to get away from prying ears.

“When I thought about dating someone,” Chuu starts. “It never really appealed to me. I like the way my life is now. I love the people I spend time with, and a girlfriend would mean making a lot of space for someone new. That just didn’t seem worth it, if I had to give up you guys. But.”

Chuu pauses. Yves holds her breath. The moment has the same kind of gravity as waiting for a verdict in court, words with the power to change the course of your life.

“But I never thought about how it would be different, if it was someone already in my life. If it was you, in particular. When you…said what you said, it took a while for my brain to catch up. I know what I want now, though." Chuu reaches for Yves' hand. "I want to try. With you.”

“I don’t know,” Yves says. “If we tried, and then you decided it wasn’t worth it. I might not survive that.”

“I would never hurt you,” Chuu says, and Yves can’t hold back her scoff. “Never on purpose, at least.”

“It doesn’t hurt less if you don’t mean to.”

Chuu looks helpless for a moment, and Yves thinks she’ll give up. But then her eyebrows knit together, and her back straightens up, and she gets the most determined look in her eyes Yves has ever seen.

“Let me prove it to you. That this could work. That I’m worth the shot.”

Her voice is full of confidence, and it’s so nice to see a Chuu that’s not walking on eggshells. A rush of fondness fills Yves. This is probably the wrong decision – she’ll probably just get hurt more – but it’s hard to care with Chuu looking like that.

“Ok,” Yves says. “Do your worst.”

Chuu jumps up in the air, shaking her hands and feet, and when she lands she jumps into Yves' arms. 

“I’ll be the best soon-to-be-girlfriend ever, you’ll see!”


	3. III

Yves stares into her closet, wondering if the fact that it’s freezing outside means she should wear a real shirt instead of a cropped one. 

“Hey,” Jinsoul says, halfway out the door. “Come look at this.”

“What is it?”

Yves reaches for the crop top - the weather doesn’t control her.

“Why don’t you come look so I can go to class.”

Yves rolls her eyes, but as soon as Jinsoul leaves she goes to the door. 

Outside there’s a box with a card on top, her name surrounded by hearts in Chuu’s handwriting. She opens it to find a carefully wrapped lunch, her favorite foods arranged in a pretty display. 

This is unexpected. Also, thoughtful. 

Today is Yves’ hardest day of classes: she has them back to back to back, so there’s never enough time for her to get a real meal. She drags herself home half alive at the end of the day, and god help anyone who tries to talk to her before she finds food.

Chuu remembers, apparently. And wants to make it better.

Yves shouldn’t be shocked, but she kind of is. Chuu is great at making you feel important when you’re hanging out with her. She’s less great at paying sustained attention to a person: she gets so caught up in the people around her in any given moment that everything else fades into the background.

That is Yves’ biggest hesitation, really. Chuu has said she’s interested, but Yves has trouble trusting that she sticks out of the crowd for Chuu, that she’s on Chuu’s mind the way Chuu is on hers. 

But, seeing this, Yves thinks maybe she has it wrong. Maybe Chuu is storing up details about her, too, wondering how her day is going even when they don’t see each other. 

Yves eats the lunch in the ten minutes before her second class starts, smiling at the image of Chuu packing it. She’s still smiling in her third class of the day, pleasantly full instead of exhausted and starving, and her seatmate asks if she did something new with hair.

“I like it,” the girl says. “You look brighter today.” 

So, ok. One point to Chuu.

When Yves gets home, she finds Chuu in the common room and wraps her in a hug. 

“You liked it?” Chuu says, sounding hopeful.

Yves kisses her on the side of the head.

“It was perfect.”

“Then I’ll keep doing it.” 

;;

Chuu is as good as her word: the gestures keep coming, and most of them are edible. 

“Is someone trying to buy your love with food?” Jinsoul says, after Chuu drops off ramen in their room. 

Yves ignores the comment, savoring the broth’s kick. (Chuu claimed that the delivery place doubled her order, but this is extra spicy, which Yves likes and Chuu doesn’t.)

“It’s working, isn’t it?” Gowon chimes in. She and Jinsoul have been hanging out lately, and it’s equal parts cute and alarming. 

“No,” Yves says. “It's just a shame to waste food.” 

“Then why are you grinning at that like you want to have its children?”

“I didn’t invite you here.”

“I did,” Jinsoul says. “Stay as long as you want.”

;;

Chuu runs into the common room with a bucket of fresh strawberries.

“It’s strawberry season!” she yells, waving the bucket over her head like a trophy. “The best time of the year!”

There are a handful of people but only Choerry reacts, getting up to jump with Chuu in sympathetic excitement. 

Despite the lackluster response, Chuu proceeds to distribute strawberries around the room. She hits everyone else before she comes to Yves, but Yves can feel her glancing over every few seconds. 

When Chuu finally plops down next to her on the couch, Yves reaches for a piece of fruit. Chuu swats her hand away.

“No, take this one. It’s the best, so I saved it for you.”

It’s a throw-away line, the kind of thing Chuu says all the time. But it hits Yves hard, and she has to look away from Chuu’s knowing grin. 

Yves tries to take the strawberry with her hand. Chuu pulls back, holding it out of reach.

“Let me feed you,” she says, and Yves gets even more flustered.

“Chuu, come on. There are people around.”

“So what? I want to feed you.”

Yves isn’t sure why she’s protesting – this is a thing they’ve done before. Again, though, it feels different now. Yves feels hot and exposed, like she’s just been asked to recite her kinks at a formal dinner. 

Chuu holds the strawberry up to Yves’ mouth. Shakes it at her until Yves takes a bite. 

It tastes delicious, just the right balance of tart and sweet.

Chuu drags her thumb over Yves’ bottom lip, wiping away the juice, and Yves licks at it before she realizes what she’s doing. Chuu’s mouth drops open but then shock turns to intrigue – her fingers trace Yves’ lip again, daring her to do something.

Yves whines, jerking her face away. She tries to back up but she’s already at the end of the couch so there’s nowhere to go. 

“Did I make you shy?” Chuu looks thrilled at the idea.

“I don’t get shy.”

“Then why are you red?”

Yves covers her own cheeks, willing the color away.

“It’s hot in here.”

Chuu laughs at her, but then her eyes get soft. 

“It’s ok to show it, you know. I like seeing that you like me.”

;;

Yves runs into that SM girl – Joy – at the student union. 

“Hey,” Joy says. “I was hoping I’d see you again after you disappeared at formal.”

“Sorry about that.” Yves grimaces. “It was a weird night.”

“No worries, we’ve all had those.” 

Joy tosses her hair, smile bright and flirty. She’s still pretty, and a month ago Yves would’ve been taken in by it – the glimmer of something easy and new. 

Now, Chuu is trying. And while Joy has a nice smile, it doesn’t really affect Yves. She sees it rather than feeling it. 

“Feel free to say no,” Joy says. “But could I have your number? I’d love to plan to see you sometime, instead of waiting for the universe to arrange it.”

“You seem great, and I would absolutely say yes. There’s this girl, though.”

Joy laughs, smile turning friendly.

“Of course there is. Someone as pretty as you wouldn’t be single for long.”

“Are you always like this?”

Joy winks.

“Aren’t you sad you won’t get to find out?”

Yves surprises herself by thinking: no, actually. For the first time, she’s looking forward to letting things play out with Chuu. Hope is starting to outweigh hesitation. 

;;

Chuu signs up to sing in a campus-wide open mic, and the night of the performance Yves helps her get ready.

Chuu doesn’t really need help: she’s had her outfit picked out for a month and the song prepared for longer than that. Yves is only there to keep Chuu from working herself into an overexcited frenzy, which is a definite danger given how fast she’s talking right now.

“Do you think I should change the choreography in the chorus? What if it’s too weird? What if they don’t like it?”

“Chuu, chill. Everyone’s going to love you.”

“But what if,” Chuu continues, speeding through a dozen anxious hypotheticals in the space of a minute.

Yves walks over to where Chuu is checking her makeup in the mirror for the hundredth time. Slides in behind her, wrapping Chuu up in her body. 

“You’ll be amazing. And if something goes wrong, I’ll be right there with you. I’ll jump on stage and make a fool of myself if you want, so that no one’s paying attention to you anymore.” 

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Chuu smiles for a second but then the twitching comes back. This calls for drastic measures. 

“Have I mentioned how good that looks on you,” Yves says, voice low half because it’s true and half to see what reaction she’ll get. 

“Do you think?” 

Chuu fidgets with a hemline.

“Really, really good.” 

Yves wraps herself around Chuu tighter, nuzzling at the space behind Chuu’s ear. Yves has plenty of insecurities but she’s confident with this: she knows she’s hot and she knows how to use it. 

Chuu makes a dismissive noise but she’s clearly affected. Her cheeks have gone pink and she’s leaning back into Yves, pressing into the contact. 

Yves catches her eye in the mirror, gets in close to her ear. 

“You look like a princess – perfectly put together. I would have such a good time messing you up.”

Chuu takes a sharp breath. 

“I think about it sometimes,” Yves goes on. “What you’d look like, desperate and begging. How much fun it would be to get you there.”

Chuu tries to turn in her arms but Yves holds her in place. Chuu could break the hold, probably, but she lets it happen despite the fact that Yves can feel how badly Chuu wants to kiss her. It sends a thrill through Yves, Chuu’s willing obedience. She almost wishes they could skip the show. 

They can’t, though, so Yves steps back.

“Ok, it’s time head over.”

Chuu huffs. 

“You’re so mean.”

“Maybe, but you’re not nervous anymore.”

;;

Five minutes before the show, Chuu peeks out from behind the stage curtain. Her eyes find Yves and she waves, beaming. Yves waves back, not even trying to contain her grin. 

Haseul sits next to her, watching their interaction with an inscrutable look. 

“I think I owe you an apology,” she says, when the rest of BBC is engrossed in other conversations.

Yves raises an eyebrow. She can guess what this is about, but she’s going to make Haseul say it. 

Haseul puts a hand on her shoulder.

“You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if I made you doubt that, or made it harder.”

Yves swallows down the lump in her throat.

“It’s ok. I’m working on it.”

;;

There’s a week when Chuu pulls away. 

Not completely – she hugs Yves in the hallway and kisses her cheek, but they don’t spend any time together and when Yves messages her the responses are short, late, and lacking enthusiasm. 

Rationally speaking, Yves knows that Chuu is probably busy with something. Even if they get together officially, Yves won’t have all of Chuu’s attention all of the time. Chuu isn’t telling her what’s going on, though, and after weeks of small gestures steeped in care it’s hard for this not to feel like neglect. 

Yves gets through her classes on autopilot, but when Friday afternoon brings no contact from Chuu she runs out of things to distract herself with. 

_Can I see you today_ , she texts. _Please, I miss you._

It takes a lot for Yves to send those words, to admit something that gives Chuu more power over her. So, when the three telltale dots appear and disappear with no reply a tide of melancholy rises in Yves. She figured she was past this – feeling sad and alone – but Chuu’s absence brings back all the hurt from the past few months. 

The thing is, Yves thought she knew how this story was going to end: a slow, grinding recovery from one-sided love. 

She could visualize the steps in her mind. Relearning how to be around Chuu, finding other girls to occupy her in the meantime. Watching Chuu fall in love with someone else someday, to the bittersweet taste of what might have been.

Things took a turn midway, and Yves is grateful but she’s still getting used to the fact that Chuu likes her back. All that history doesn’t just disappear, so while she’s starting to trust things the foundation is fragile. This week sent shock waves rumbling though it, reminding her how easy it would be for everything to crumble.

Yves spends the night alone in her room stewing in her sadness. She tries to read but can’t process the words, breaking to check her phone every five minutes. 

When Chuu finally appears around 10, Yves is crying into her pillow, angry at herself for feeling like this but helpless to snap out of it. 

“What happened?” Chuu says, rushing over to her.

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Accusation is clear in Yves’ tone, and Chuu looks taken aback.

“What?” 

“You haven’t talked to me all week. I have no idea what’s going on, and it just hurts, ok.” Yves swipes harshly at her tears. “It feels like I’m losing you, without ever getting to really have you.” 

“God, Yves, no. I was trying to surprise you and I knew I’d spoil it if I talked to you. And then it didn’t work out, and I was really sad because it would’ve been great and I wanted so badly to make you happy, but now I’ve done the opposite.”

Chuu looks like she’s about to cry, too, and it gets Yves to focus on something other than her own misery. 

“Hey, it’s ok. I don’t really like surprises.”

“But I hurt you! Again! And now maybe you don’t want to do this anymore.”

Chuu sounds genuinely devastated at the prospect, and Yves’ frustration melts away. She makes space for Chuu on the bed and opens her arms, and Chuu is burrowing into her in a second.

“We’re both going to mess up,” Yves says when Chuu is settled. “I’m mad, but I’m not going to disappear on you at the first thing.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Yves takes a deep breath, trying to find the right words. “You don’t have to be perfect, Chuu. Just be with me.”

Those must work well enough because Chuu looks at her like she’s magic, awed and a little disbelieving. It makes Yves’ heart swell. 

She tilts her head to kiss Chuu and Chuu surges into her, eager and wanting. Yves discovers that Chuu kisses like she does everything else: with complete commitment, giving one-hundred and ten percent in a way that has Yves flushed and breathless within a few minutes. 

Maybe it’s that they’re already lying down on a bed, but things move quick. One second Yves is sliding her tongue into Chuu’s mouth and the next they’re at the edge of something, up against a point of no return. Yves’ bra is unhooked – when did Chuu manage that – and Chuu’s skirt is pushed up out of the way, so that Yves’ leg can press into her through her underwear. 

“Do you want to?” Chuu says, implications clear. 

Her voice is thick and Yves shivers with how much she wants, but there’s also hesitation. Sex feels heavier with the talking they’ve just done, with how sad they both were a short time ago. It’s too much, maybe, all in a few hours.

“Sorry, I do, but. Not tonight.”

“Of course. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Chuu puts some space between them, fixing her skirt, then reaches over to hold Yves’ hand. Yves strokes her thumb over Chuu’s knuckles, slowly calming down.

“Do I get to know what the surprise was going to be?” Yves says after a while.

“It was a backstage pass to the Sunmi concert next month.”

“I thought those sold out in five minutes?” 

“Yeah, there was this guy selling them online and he seemed legit. But then it got weird. He raised the price, and he started asking for pictures of my feet?”

“I’m glad you didn’t whore out your feet for tickets. I don’t know if I could be with someone that depraved.”

“It’s not funny!”

Chuu hits Yves but she’s smiling, and the mood is such a dramatic change from earlier. It’s hard to believe that Yves can laugh now, that everything gets so much better just from Chuu being here with her. 

“Will you stay tonight?” Yves says, because suddenly she can’t bear the thought of letting Chuu go. 

Chuu seems to get it; her eyes soften and she cups Yves’ cheek in her hand. 

“Of course.”

When Yves wakes up the next morning Chuu is still there, snoring softly, face relaxed in sleep. Yves feels honored to witness it, and another piece of her hesitation slips away. 

;;

Chuu appears with takeout the night before Yves has an exam. 

“You are an angel,” Yves says, because she’s been studying for hours and she’s completely fried. Even ordering something online felt impossible, one decision too many for her exhausted brain.

Once they’ve eaten, a rogue thought occurs to her. She’s trying to be better about communicating these days, so she doesn’t ignore it like she usually would. 

“This is great,” Yves says. “But you don’t have to keep doing this, you know. If you’re forcing yourself to be extra nice to me.”

Chuu looks upset.

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

“It’s not that at all. I’ve always wanted to do things for you. Bring you food, make sure you're ok. I just didn’t think you’d want me to.”

“Oh,” Yves says. She wouldn’t have guessed that – maybe there’s something to this talking thing. 

“You can be kind of closed off. Until the dance, I wasn’t sure you had feelings other than hunger. I still wasn’t sure you’d let anyone take care of you, especially not me.”

“Why especially not you?”

Chuu shrugs, not meeting her eyes.

“I don’t know, I’m just me. You’re like. On a different level.”

“For the record. I love just you.”

;;

“You’re being stupid,” Vivi says one day out of nowhere, while she and Yves are doing laundry in the basement.

“What?”

“This dating-but-not-dating thing you and Chuu are doing. It’s stupid. Just date and be done with it.”

“It’s not that simple.” 

Vivi raises an eyebrow.

“Why not?”

Yves gets ready to run through her reasons, but as she ticks them off in her head – Chuu’s not serious, they’ll never work, she’ll get hurt – she realizes with a start that she doesn’t believe them. 

“I’m…not sure anymore.”

“See? Stupid.”

;;

When the weather starts to get warm, there’s a giant beach party on the main quad. It’s kind of lame in that there’s no actual beach, but there is food and beach volleyball and Vivi brings rum to spike the piña coladas. 

All of BBC goes, spreading out over a cluster of benches. Yves sips her drink, savoring the sunlight, watching Chuu and Lip talk about something. Chuu is all over Lip as usual: sitting on her, poking at her face, being close and easy and completely in tune in the way that speaks to their years of history.

Yves waits for the jealousy to come, but it just doesn’t. 

Huh, she thinks. That’s new. 

Chuu notices her watching, which is also new. She waves, then seems to notice how close she and Lip are, how it might read to outside eyes. She jumps away from Lip, runs over to Yves.

"It doesn’t mean anything!” Chuu says quickly. “We’re just being silly, but I can try to do it less.”

Yves isn’t sure about that – Chuu is like a homing beacon set to seek out physical contact. But, now, Yves is sure that it doesn't matter.

"It’s fine, Chuu. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Really?” Chuu says, disbelieving.

Yves nods.

"I know you’re mine in the ways that matter. So, I don’t have to worry about the other stuff.”

Chuu kisses her. On the lips, in front of everyone.

It’s just as impulsive as their first kiss, but Yves is struck by the contrast. This one moves slow, and though Chuu initiates it Yves feels in control the whole time. She takes Chuu’s bottom lip between hers, bites down gently. Delights in Chuu’s reflexive grab at her side. 

There’s no shock this time, no heartbreaking realization. Just the thought that Yves could do this again and again. 

Forever, maybe, if Chuu will have her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap. I hope the ending felt earned - I wanted to work through a dynamic where things started out rough and gradually got better, and I'm not sure how well I pulled it off. In any case, thanks to everyone who read and especially commented. Would love to hear your thoughts on this part, too.
> 
> I don't think I'll write chuuves again for a while, but I'll probably be back with something else loona before too long.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on twitter (@leaderline97) if you want to come say hi. Or yell at me.


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